


Untainted

by captivated_prince (CynicalMistrust)



Series: Aimeric Lives [1]
Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Aftermath, Aimeric Lives, Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 23:12:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16922256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalMistrust/pseuds/captivated_prince
Summary: The first surprise came when he opened his eyes, when he'd intended for it to never happen again. He should have been dead. Why the hell was he still alive?The second surprise was when he turned his head and found Jord beside him, slumped in a chair, head hanging at an uncomfortable angle as he slept. Confusion and dread swirled through him, at least until the third surprise made itself known.Pain, sharp and visceral, clawed through his wrists and up his arms.





	Untainted

**Author's Note:**

> Read some CP fanfics as a break from my novel and then had to get some angst out, and who better to angst with than Aimeric? Enjoy.

The first surprise came when he opened his eyes, when he'd intended for it to never happen again. He should have been dead. Why the hell was he still alive?

The second surprise was when he turned his head and found Jord beside him, slumped in a chair, head hanging at an uncomfortable angle as he slept. Confusion and dread swirled through him, at least until the third surprise made itself known.

Pain, sharp and visceral, clawed through his wrists and up his arms. He must have made a sound, because Jord startled awake. He was sure he saw anger and hate flicker in Jord's expression before relief settled there instead. He thought he might have preferred the hate. It was what he deserved.

Jord leaned forward. “Are you in pain?” he asked softly, not waiting for a response before picking up a small cup on the bedside table. He shifted forward, gently lifting Aimeric's head and pressing the cup to his lips.

Aimeric coughed on the first swallow, managing a few small sips before turning his head away as his stomach began to protest. He let out a shuddering breath as his head returned to the pillow with more care than he expected, keeping his attention on the ceiling as Jord swiped a cloth over his face, wiping away what had spilled past his lips. “How long?” he asked, voice hoarse.

Jord sat back with a sigh. “You've been out for three days.”

Three days. He couldn't even imagine what had happened in that time. Rather, he didn't want to. “Who found me?” He'd been sure no one would try to save him had they found him. Damen, perhaps, would have, but he'd had more important people to attend to.

“I did,” Jord said softly.

He saw Jord rub a hand over his face from the corner of his eye and felt a new weight of guilt settle over him. “Why did you..?”

“ _Why_?” Jord asked, his laugh sounding as broken as Aimeric felt. “Why did I have to?”

There was anger there now, almost radiating from the chair beside him, and Aimeric breathed a soft sigh of relief. He wasn't sure he could bear it if Jord felt anything else for him. He closed his eyes, flexing his fingers as the throbbing, stinging aches in his wrists started to ease a bit, gritting his teeth at the sharp lances of pain that came with the movement.

“Aimeric.”

He turned his head away, hating the thread of desperation in Jord's voice, staring at the blurred image of the wall. “I can't do this anymore,” he whispered. “Just leave me. Please.”

Jord swore under his breath, standing quickly enough the chair scraped back on the carpet. “Leave so you can finish what you started?” he snapped.

“Yes.” There was no point hiding it, was there? There was nothing left for him. Everything had been taken away from him long before he even knew how to define what had been taken. He rolled to his side with a pained moan, his arm dropping bonelessly beside him as he faced the wall. Three days should have been long enough to ease the desolate ache in his chest, but it bloomed anew now he was awake.

He heard the door open and a mixture of relief and despair washed over him, holding his breath until the door closed, wondering if there was enough of the tonic to put him out of his misery if he drank it all. He blinked back the tears in surprise when he heard the low murmur of Jord speaking before he returned, stiffening as the bed dipped.

When Jord rested a hand on his shoulder, he flinched away, almost violently, curling in on himself with a choked sob. “Don't.” He didn't deserve comfort.

“Aimeric.”

Aimeric squeezed his eyes shut, ignoring the warmth that spilled out from them at the gentleness in Jord’s voice. How did Jord not hate him completely? Why was he even here? He should be with the Prince on whatever new scheme he’d devised. “Please just leave,” he whispered.

Jord sighed, shifting on the bed behind Aimeric and leaning back against the headboard. “Promise not to harm yourself and I will.”

Aimeric’s laugh was wet as he dragged his wrists up to look at them, studying the pristine white bandages wrapped around them. There was the faintest hint of pink just starting to bleed through on the left, the one he knew he’d cut the deepest. It’d been considerably harder to cut his right with the pain in his left, but he wasn’t in the habit of doing things halfway. “Why can’t you just let me go?”

Jord sighed again and was silent for long enough Aimeric was sure he didn't have an answer. “I don't know,” he finally murmured. “I should hate you for what you did. Part of me does. But I hate you more for trying to take the path of the coward,” he added, voice turning sharp. “As angry as I am for… everything, I never wished you _dead._ ”

Aimeric flinched, curling in on himself further and lightly tracing a finger over the pink spot. “You should,” he murmured, pressing on the spot. There was a hint of pain, but either it had healed considerably or the tonic was stronger than he’d thought. Or maybe the wound was deep enough to still be beyond pain. Either way, he watched in mild satisfaction as the stain started to darken. It was a few moments later before the pain finally made itself known and he sucked in a sharp breath, biting his tongue against a groan.

It was still enough to draw Jord’s attention, and a moment later the other male was leaning over him, cursing and yelling for the physician as he pinned Aimeric’s arms to the bed so he couldn’t do any further damage.

Aimeric didn’t fight, a broken laugh escaping through the tears as he looked up at Jord. The uncertain, distraught look on Jord’s face at the sound might have been comical, if it didn’t cause Aimeric’s gut to clench and a fresh wave of tears to spill free.

He didn’t remember much of the next hours, fading in and out of consciousness as the physician tended to his wrists and gave him something that made the pain ease away. All of it. It left him feeling like he was floating, and though he knew the agony would return eventually, it was nice to be able to breathe for the moment.

His head lulled to the side, the fading sunset filtering through the window casting long shadows and blanketing everything in an orange-gold glow. Everything had soft edges and he was half convinced he was dead, or trapped in some strange in-between world.

Jord shifted in the chair beside him, looking up from a book he didn’t seem to have really been reading. He straightened when he saw Aimeric awake, leaning forward with a slight frown. “Aimeric,” he murmured, reaching out and resting his hand lightly over Aimeric’s.

His vision blurred without warning and he blinked away hot tears, his fingers twitching beneath Jord’s touch. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Jord let out a shuddering breath, gently squeezing Aimeric’s fingers. “I know.” He glanced down at their hands, running his thumb over Aimeric’s knuckles as he took another breath, his frown deepening, marring his brow further, and Aimeric was equally relieved and frustrated he didn’t have the strength to try and smooth it out with his fingers. “Aimeric… I need to leave in the morning if I’m to catch up with them,” he said slowly, pausing and squeezing his fingers again. “If… I’ll come back, when it’s over,” he continued, finally looking up to meet his eyes. “I would hope to find you waiting for me when I do. Alive.”

Aimeric blinked until his vision cleared. “Why?” he asked, unable to believe it wasn’t another trap. Different from the others he’d been ensnared in, but a trap all the same.

Jord smiled faintly, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Because this doesn’t have to be the end. For you… or for us.”

“You’re lying,” Aimeric breathed, closing his eyes. There was no way Laurent would allow Jord to remain in the Guard and associate with him. If he was alive, he had no doubt Laurent would use him to his advantage, use him against… His mind shied away from thinking of _him,_ and he forced his eyes open again, taking a measure of comfort in seeing a relatively friendly face.

Jord sighed, moving out of the chair and sitting on the edge of the bed instead, settling Aimeric’s hand in his lap. “I’ve never lied to you,” he said softly. “And I don’t intend to start now.” It seemed to take a moment of effort, before he reached out and brushed back Aimeric’s stray hair. “I’m not him, Aimeric.”

Aimeric’s breath stuck in his chest and his eyes fluttered closed again, unable to keep from leaning into the touch that lingered on his cheek. “No,” he agreed quietly. He wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse. Jord had never been anything like _him,_ and that was part of what had drawn him to Jord to begin with. But he’d never believed it would be anything that would last, so caught up in the gilded lies he’d been fed. “Why?” he asked, opening his eyes to look up at Jord. “How can you even stand to look at me?”

Jord rubbed his thumb across Aimeric’s cheek. “I won’t lie and say it’s easy. But I believe deep down, you would have chosen a different path if you’d felt you had a choice.”

Fresh tears filled his eyes yet again and he shifted his fingers enough to clutch at Jord’s as tightly as his wrist allowed. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Jord nodded, swallowing and glancing down at their hands. “Then can you promise to heal and wait for me?” he asked softly.

Could he? He wasn’t sure he could promise that, or keep the promise once the drugs wore off. But he could try… For Jord, he would try anything, if it meant having a chance for Jord to look at him like he had before. He licked his lips and squeezed at Jord’s fingers. “I can try,” he whispered.

Jord let out a shuddering breath, seeming to sag forward before leaning down, pressing his lips to Aimeric’s forehead. “Can you eat? There’s broth.”

He nodded, letting Jord help him sit up, leaning into him as Jord settled beside him and held the bowl of warm broth. He sipped nearly half of it, expecting Jord to help him lie back down, but he merely set the bowl aside and adjusted himself to sit more comfortably. He found himself curled into Jord’s side, fingers stroking through his hair in a familiar rhythm that had his eyes drifting shut.

Silence fell between them for several long minutes, long enough Aimeric dozed a bit before Jord finally spoke. “Only three of us know you’re alive.”

Aimeric startled awake, starting to lift his head before deciding it was too much effort. “Who?” he asked.

“Other than the physician and myself… only Damen knows you live.”

Aimeric stared at the vacant chair as he considered that. Laurent… didn’t know he lived. Surely he would soon. He couldn’t quite believe Damen would keep that secret from him forever. But it was a nice fantasy, the thought of living a life untainted by what he’d done.

“I… am thinking of leaving the Guard, once this is done and Laurent reclaims his crown,” Jord said slowly. “If I had reason to,” he added softly.

Aimeric’s heart skipped a beat. “You still… want me?”

“Given time, I think we could rediscover what we had.”

Aimeric pressed closer with a shaky breath, pressing his face into Jord’s neck, and if he noticed the dampness on Aimeric’s cheeks, he didn’t comment on it.

They slept beside each other, and when the sky finally began to lighten with morning, Aimeric reluctantly watched Jord slide out of bed. The drugs had worn off enough the floating sensation had faded, but the ache in his chest wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been. “I’ll wait for you,” he whispered, and when he caught the brief flash of Jord’s smile, something warm took root inside him. It was small and fragile, but he recognised it as something he hadn’t felt in years. Something like hope.


End file.
